As I go along my merry days at Costco, I find that there are certain types of people that provide me with endless amusement throughout my day.

There are:

I-THOUGH-IT-WOULD-FIT: These are the people who believe that, no matter what the size of their purchase, it can fit in a [Subaru/Civic/Mazda/etc]. Like buying a full armoire and matching night stand and thinking that a family size Subaru Outback is a “spacious vehicle” that could hold all of it. Also thinking that 72" plasma TV’s can fit in most SUVs is ridiculous. Those cars are very big. That’s all. They have practically NO useful storage space in the back. Also, if 3 guys are holding your large purchase at the very small entrance of your car and it’s obviously stuck, asking the question: “Are you sure it won’t fit?” is not appropriate.

WOULD-YOU-LIKE-ANOTHER: These are the people who have NO idea what it’s like to push carts. Yes, they are on wheels, but when you stack 9 of them together and are dragging them up a 45 degree incline, they are freakin’ heavy! Now yesterday, it was 102. This means that I, a 5'5" 110 lbs guy, was dragging 9 carts up a hill and some people have the gall to ask “Would you like another?” “...NO!. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I WANT ANOTHER? TAKE IT UP YOURSELF YOU STUPID (censored for the children)!!”
Reality: “Sure, throw ‘er on!”

PUSHERS: Because the cart pushers at Costco are actually robots, it is quite alright to shove your empty cart in the general direction of one and assume that the movement will catch their eye, they will drop everything, and run after it. Much like Russian Roulette! You people - can die.

OPPOSERS: True, there are 27 carts that are all facing one direction and are pushed together, but these people, they’re forward/abstract thinkers and put their cart facing the opposite direction! Mainly because the idea of turning the cart around and putting it on the line, is FAR beyond their imagination, and might end up having a seizure if they thought about it.

WORKERS: Walking your cart over to the cart return is a TREMENDOUS amount of work and slightly traumatizing. Therefore, the obvious solution is to place your cart [on/in/tangled up in] the islands that are around the parking lot. However, the amount of energy one spends on throwing the 100 pound cart into the bushes is about the same as walking it back up to the store.

HONKERS: I will try, in writing, to say this very slowly.
Costco is NOT a drive through.
You actually are expected to get out of your car and help load your stuff. If you are incapable of picking up heavy things, that’s fine, I understand. But if you go and get your car, drive it up, HONK AT US to load your groceries, and you have legs? We will be slashing your tires. Just so you have to go to our tire shop and buy more. This will be company policy soon...I’m sure of it...

Just please be courteous to those who help you out. Just pleases and thank you’s will make our days so much better.

Thank you!

6IB